I’m a great pretender. “I AIN’T SCARED”
I always get nervous though. You probably know that by now as I put up a blog post about my quaking nerves pretty frequently. So what’s bugging me this time you ask? I just conquered Zumbro so I should be feeling ready to take on the world! I’m not.
Next weekend is Chippewa 50K. I have no doubt in my mind I can finish this race. I’ve learned that about myself through the past year. When I want something, I take it. I just do it. I battle down any demons and grab what I want. I want to finish this so I will.
The thing that’s eating me is what it’s going to take to finish. I meant to go into this race in great condition and use it as a “long run” in training for the 50 mile race I’ll be doing. That went out the window quite awhile ago. Things don’t always go as planned- I know that and I adapt well enough.
I’m learning how to run long distances with ‘not so well controlled’ epilepsy. I’ve fought through the last 15 or so years to not allow seizures to interfere with anything that I do, to adapt what I do around them, to not allow them to control me when they are uncontrollable. This is a new learning curve. Apparently when I run really far, my threshold gets lowered and I’m prone to have a seizure. Sometimes when I’m stressed or sleep deprived I have a seizure. If I get a fever I have a seizure.
I tossed the training plan I was on out the window in frustration. I just ran. This meant some weeks I ran ‘far enough’ and other weeks I ran only a few miles.
Zumbro was a testament to being able to tough it out mentally but not necessarily in awesome condition. For two days after Zumbro my quads weren’t on speaking terms with me and my bastard leg attempted to give up the ghost altogether. Luckily, we’ve made up and resumed the semblance of a friendship through massage and whispered sweet-nothings.
Unfortunately, I was tossed another wrench by having to get a growth excised out of my groin yesterday. This means I’ll be on R&R up until the day of Chippewa anxiously grinding my teeth wondering “will I be in shape if I keep sitting here munching trailmix until the race without moving?”
I have no choice but to wait it out and let my owie heal. The good news is that I get extra rest for my bastard leg, extra time for homework, extra time with family and even extra time for ‘paycheck job.’
The truth is, I have nothing to be nervous about. I will finish Chippewa. I know it will hurt. I also know it will be fun. I always have fun at trail races. This will be no exception. Maybe it’s time to turn the nervousness into excitement over seeing a new trail, new aidstations, and a new finish line where I can add another accomplishment under my belt.
There you have it, another brain-spill!